MARK'S...
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Volume 1 ~ Issue 3 ~ 31 December 1999 (C)1999 Mark Krell
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A MS IS AS GOOD AS A MILE!
PREFACE: I am telling you this story neither to complain nor to
gain your sympathy... I've got better reasons than that! Over time
I have learned how difficult it is for many people to view new persons
they meet as individuals with lumping them in with those they knew in
past years. Certainly it is both reasonable and desireable to learn
from our experiences, but it is false logic to decide that because
some men or women you've encountered treated you badly that ALL will
treat you badly. Perhaps you need to learn how to make better choices.
I intend to relate several stories in future issues which will build
on the platform established by this true story.
There's a saying, "Never explain... your friends don't need it and
your enemies won't believe you anyway." This is true when I think of
my real world friends who know me better than my cyber friends. My
cyber friends can't know me that well, and so I feel compelled to
provide some defensive information where this lady is concerned.
Now, to the story...
I don't always bat zero...
I thought I'd found her this year... She was willing to relocate,
and a mere six hundred fifty miles away... A real piece of heaven when
she wanted to be... She visited me a few times (we split the tickets)
and while there was one incident when she slammed the bedroom door so
hard that I considered replacing it with a solid wood door, it blew
over when she calmed down and rethought her - I was just like all other
men - over reaction to a situation.
Waitaminute!!! I can hear some of you saying, "He's gonna twist
this story around!" Not Guilty! All I have to do is tell you why
it broke up...
Two incidents which happened on her "home ground" should be enough.
I flew up to see her so she was driving. Saturday lunchtime we pulled
into a restaurant parking lot and she entered a handicapped space...
I reminded her that there are expensive fines for using a handi
space without a proper tag or hanging permit. "I'm gonna take a
chance.", says she. With some firmness in my voice I told her I'd
feel a lot better if she moved to a legal space. She exploded...
"You need to let me make my own mistakes!", she said with a LOT of
firmness in her voice. Strong enough that I understood that was
not a time to try reasoning with her.
Sunday night in a nice restaurant. She's talking to me at the
table and a server brings a big tray with meals for the table next
to ours. One of the platters has a three inch thick cut of prime
rib on it. Huge! I was distracted for a moment by the idea that
such a large cut would be served to one person. The distraction
was brief and when I turned back to her and started to apologize
she explodes again, "THAT'S VERY RUDE!!!" she declares. I started
to say I was sorry for the distraction and she says with force,
"STOP TRYING TO TRIVIALIZE THE SITUATION!!!" and more. So much
force that I couldn't get a word in edgewise. No reasoning here.
We get back to my motel room and she looks unhappy. I try to
talk to her about it by saying, "You look unhappy... feel like
talking?" She says (not gently) "I'M NOT UNHAPPY!!!" She was
cold through the next morning when I had to fly back.
Not being able to reason with her in person, I tried an email
when I got home which I am presenting here. I am also presenting
her quick response.
Dear *****,
Three incidents happened between us this past weekend
that generated visibly displeased reactions within you.
The first two are easier to address.
I am keenly aware of past experiences you have described
to me which resulted in you feeling oppressed, and of your strong
resentment of my behavior when you think I'm trying to exercise
control over you.
Even so, I believe any couple functions better when the
combined talents and learning of both are shared. Life brings
enough problems that we benefit from avoiding the problems we
can recognize with forethought.
By sharing knowledge and talents we generally live better
than when we rely only on our own thinking.
In two situations I wanted to influence a better
outcome.
When I posed ***** and told you a good angle to take a
photo of her that would take advantage of the setting and give
the photo good composition I saw your reaction.
When I told you I'd feel much better if you took a
legal parking spot, I experienced your reaction.
In the first instance all I was doing was trying to
give you another way to view the scene. Teach you a bit of
photography. This was intended not to control you but to
help enrich you.
In the second I was trying to help you to avoid a
bad day in court.
I listened to you as you told me that I should let
you make your own mistakes.
Your argument would have had some claim to validity
if your action was a unilateral one which would affected
only you.
It was not.
Did you consider how badly (and somewhat guilty) I
would have felt had you gotten a ticket for being in a handi
space without a permit because of me?
The idea that you can hurt yourself without hurting
me presumes that I don't really care about you. If you
believe this to be true, you are far more guilty of
not paying attention than I.
People who care about each other feel a genuine
involvement with each other. They feel. They don't just
observe.
I understand and sympathize with your feelings of
not wanting to be controlled. It's natural that you would
develop some defenses against another attempting to control
you.
I am asking you to consider that when those
defenses become so strong that they keep you from learning
or from accurately assessing situations, they are more
self defeating than helpful and therefore inappropriate
to many situations which summon them.
The third incident (which has happened before).
We were sitting in the restaurant. You were
talking to me. I was briefly distracted by the largest
cut of prime rib I'd ever seen served. I turned my
attention back to you.
You were angry with me, telling me how rude you
thought my behavior was. I tried to apologize, explaining
that I had not intended to be rude and to assure you that
I wanted to hear what you had to say.
You would have none of it and stayed unhappy with
me for the rest of the evening.
When we were alone, I commented on you looking
unhappy as an attempt to talk with you about what happened.
I asked you if you were unhappy and you said "no". Your
behavior told me otherwise, but I knew the risk of trying
to force the issue when you had such a strong emotional
position.
Interestingly, this morning you made the comment
that this problem was not resolvable between us because
we can't talk.
Each time I tried to address it, I received
such a strong reaction from you that I was not allowed to
finish a sentence.
"You're trying to trivialize!", and, "You're
avoiding the real issue!" was your answer to any
try I made to help you know that my intent was not
avoidance.
If you haven't clicked on your trash can icon
and summarily dismissed me yet, I'd like to advance a
few ideas directed at presenting the real issues of
those situations.
1. Very few if any folks at all pay perfect
attention in any situation. Things and people
present distractions which are sometimes unavoidable.
2. You do not give me a perfect attention as
evidenced by my having to tell you some things more
than once before I get signs that you understand my
content and meaning, or my sincerity.
3. If I became angry with everyone who was
distracted at some time when I wanted their careful
attention, I'd be angry with everyone I know.
4. I have learned the hard way that the best
way I can get more of what I want from others is to
wait and repeat my request.
5. I have also learned that the sure way
not to get what I want from others is to disapprove
of them and make them feel like they are "hopeless".
Now to the real issue.
There you were, sitting with a man who while
far from perfect, would have if given the opportunity
apologized and asked you to repeat the few words he
missed. This might have assured you that he really
did care about what you were saying and that you
were important to him.
Instead, you punished him. And, in punishing
him you guaranteed an unpleasant remainder of the
evening; and his feeling miserable the night through.
Was that the best choice you could have made?
And, while I am risking your anger, I want
to address one more thing.
I am 56 years old. During my life I have
done many things a lot of people never dream of
being able to do. I have learned from most of my
experiences, and have generally offered to share
that knowledge with others.
It has been a toss-up in that I have been
able to engender positive changes in some lives
and in others not.
One thing I have surely learned is that
all men and women are individuals. All men do
not think alike, nor all women.
The idea that there are things only a
man can understand (or a woman) is not valid.
Holding me up to a minor form of
ridicule to another woman expressing, "He's
just like all men... he doesn't understand!",
doesn't qualify as the mutually supportive
behavior that a loving couple should be
offering to each other.
Decide if you will that I am "just
like all men", and, that Im hopeless if it
pleases you; but I want you to know there's
another side of the story.
None of this denies that you are a
woman of great beauty and quality of your
person.
Mark
Mark,
I read your email, and as I write this feel a profound sadness.
You have very neatly summed up the situation for yourself; decided what I
think & feel; what my motivation is, and resolved yourself of any and all
responsibility for anything that happened between us. I am, of course,
screwed up; treating you unfairly because of my past experiences; and
guilty of female chauvinism. I am responsibile for your feelings of guilt
or whatever; and of expecting you to be perfect. I have no right to be
angry with you; to address the behavior that might have merited this
because you are a man of good will, who only wants to help.
I am truly sorry because I love you deeply; but I cannot go on in
this relationship. I wish you only happiness and love in your life; I'm
sorry it cannot be with me.
*****
I contend that if she loved me deeply, she would have been reasonable
with me... especially in the situation where I wanted to sincerely
apologize to her.
I did some soul searching following these happenings and presented
the situations to some friends. Nobody thought I was terrible. If you
understand and can explain what was really happening, I'm willing to
listen.
Over several months I did a lot of nice things and several things
that supported her interests and activities... I honestly feel that by
the time these things happened, she should have had a good idea that I
was on her side and had more faith in my good will towards her. During
that time I spoke to her by phone for about a hour each night. We
seemed to have good communication with each other. I called her to
keep her bill down.
Why did I push the issues? I'm a nice loving guy but how long would
I stay loving when abusive behavior and living with a time bomb that I
never knew when it would go off over things that should have been
easily resolvable. That's no way to live no matter how much I care
about the girl!
So much for unconditional love.
What amazes me is that so many things could have been so right and
it ends over stupid stuff.
I can't help but believe that I was punished for the misdeeds of
other men.
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end of issue.
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