MARK'S... ------------------------------------------------------------ * * * *** * * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *** * *** * * *** *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***** *** * ***** ***** ***** * * ***** * * ------------------------------------------------------------ Volume 1 ~ Issue 5 ~ 2 January 2000 (C)2000 Mark Krell ------------------------------------------------------------ This is a very encouraging issue, but first we have to debunk a few myths and unreasonable expectations. Only then can we lay a platform of genuine encouragement that is well grounded in reality. IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE POSSIBLE? If you're one of those people who are looking for unconditional love, forget it! Get real! Believers in God, Start here... "God loves us unconditionally." Not true... are you forgetting the part about if we are not repentent and we repeat our sins that we are gonna go to hell? God loves us conditionally--upon our behavior... we have to be sorry for what we did and resolve not to repeat our wrong doings to get His forgiveness. So, if God does not love us unconditionally, do you really expect more from people? Non-believers start here... Believers continue here... It is unreasonable for us to expect another to love us without some conditions... If we act unloving towards our partner for a long enough time, sooner or later they will become resentful and unhappy and want out of the relationship. The few possible exceptions are those who are so afraid of being alone that they will stick no matter what, and, those who do not realize that better relationships are really possible. The encouraging thing is that dedicated love and loyalty IS possible... That, if the love is right the partners can stick together and be supportive to each other no matter what problems life may bring to either person or their partnership. When I hear someone say that they're looking for unconditional love, I know they have not given this concept serious thought... But, you're smarter than that! Right? --------------------------------------------------------------- IS YOUR "SOULMATE" OUT THERE? This is another concept that I don't believe is true. Every time you hear this word it is used singular, never plural. This implies that there is only one person on the face of the Earth that is right for you and you have to find them. If "soulmate" is used to refer to one of several or many possible good partners, I wish they'd change the phrase to "I'm looking for one of my possible soulmates." Based on the above... If you're looking for your soulmate, I've got some sad news for you! On the other hand, if you're looking for good possible partners, the forcast can be good! ------------------------------------------------------------- PARTNERSHIP SKILLS. For the purposes of this illustration, allow me to say that there are two kinds of people in this world... Those who have partnership skills, and those who don't. I know this is not true... I know that all of us have a measure of partnership skills, some more/some less... But, hey!, I've got to start somewhere! And some things are easier to talk about in black and white as opposed to shades of gray (grey if you prefer). From the pool of available people who weren't disqualified in Issue 4 of the LoveLetter, it only remains for you to find a person whose interests, inclinations, attitude, living skills, and personality traits are acceptable and enjoyable to you. Those who make good partnership candidates generally have a compliment of partner skills which include but are not limited to... They are truthful, kind, considerate, have positive direction in their lives, a well developed sense of fair play, a sense of and inclination towards ethical behavior, and a willingness to work together with another to improve both lives. And they have no hidden agendas towards the other gender. They are not afraid of intimacy and are willing to share theselves, and they recognize the importance of giving their partner opportunities to share who they are in return. They have dismissed old hurts if any and are truly open to loving and trusting again. Best partner candidates also... Do their damndest to be as attractive as possible, are as dedicated to their partner's happiness as their own, are willing to see past themselves to see the needs of their partner and are willing to be responsive to those needs with the fulfilling behaviors flowing from them as a natural part of their personality. They are also resolved to do their best to remain the person their partner fell in love with, or even better. They live reasonably healthy lifestyles so they can love their partner even longer and have more fun in all of their mutual activities. They are good citizens who do not get sent to jail which makes their partner suffer. In times of crises, they are capable of being strong advocates for their partner who may be in trouble. They are respectful of the rights of others. They understand that making love is an every waking moment thing and they act with love and respect towards their partners. They are enthusiastic creative lovers who are willing to do anything (within reason) to add to their partners happiness and satisfaction. They are secure enough in themselves that being supportive of their partner presents no difficulty. Admittedly, nobody is perfect in all of these areas. I you find someone who has many of these characteristics and is not lacking too many that are important to you, you've won! I have jokingly said that everybody is crazy in some way or another... The trick is to find somebody whose particular craziness is not personally threatening to you. I include this here as a catch all for all of the behavioral interactions which occur between partners as a result of our not always being rational because some of our reactions are emotionally generated. -------------------------------------------------------------- HOW TO PICK GOOD PARTNERS. As in all aspects of life, there are no guarantees. There are some things you can do that will improve your choices... You must discard the idea that each new prospect may be the last you'll meet and that it's just got to work out. In the words of an Italian Grandmother, "There's a hundred more around the corner!". Another lady wrote me telling me there's a lid for every pot. Many lives have been ruined by those who made desperate choices and then resented their partner for not being different. It took over fifteen years for me to learn these two truths... If they are not the person you want them to be, the odds against them ever "coming around" are overwhelming! If they don't love you like you want to be loved, they never "come around". Many a lady has wasted years learning... They rarely leave their wives for you. (Besides, if they leave her for you, will they leave you for sombody else.) Based on my observations, here's another... If they were waiting to find you before leaving their current spouse, they are weak. The problem here is that it takes a good deal of strength to love and protect another well. Loyalty sometimes requires self discipline. Affiliating yourself with a weak person will reap all of the punishment you will deserve for being that stupid. If their relationship was as bad as they tell you, they should have had the guts to make a clean break prior to soliciting your attention. As in all generalizations, there may be a few exceptions to this, but the odds are against you. View new candidates with an open mind and heart, but this does not mean you're not supposed to see and hear with great attention. You must see what is real, not just what you want to see. Many a mistake has been made by those who saw only what they wanted to see, dismissing the negative signs because their desire ruled instead of their head. Use your eyes like a camera... your ears like a tape recorder... and stay grounded in reality! NEVER assume you have the power to change anyone! No, they won't "come around" later on! And, if you do manage to bludgeon them into changed behavior that does not naturally flow from them they will resent and punish you for it! Many make the mistake of thinking they can change another person. If you are out of shape, you can improve the number of new partner candidates available to you by getting down to the weight you should be on the chart in your doctor's office. Over time, fat ladies have given me dozens of reasons why men should love them for who they are... BALONEY!... And many fat ladies think they should be able to have an attractive man who is in good shape. All you have to do to prove this to yourself is scan the ladies ads on internet dating sites. Hey! You fat men! Where the heck did you get the idea that you don't owe it to your lady to be in the best shape possible? That double standard is also BALONEY! Everything is better when you're at a good weight :) My contention here is that good lovers owe it to each other to present the best they can possibly be to each other. It has its rewards! If you need to see a dentist, see the dentist! If you do not have the courage to deal with what needs dealing with, how is a potential partner supposed to believe you are strong enough to love them well? If your a slug who has never heard of the invention called soap, learn about it! And, be a doobie and change your clothes BEFORE they stink. While both ladies and men like well chosen perfumes or colognes on their dates and partners once in a while, most ladies and men I've spoken to (including me) are very much attracted to a fresh clean smell. Doing these things will not only improve your numbers but they will also increase your odds of getting serious and appreciative attention from those potential partners you meet. Summarizing, it's not as hard as looking for the only person in the world for you... You only have to find one of many with whom you can form a good love relationship. All you have to do is really pay attention and make a good choice, and get yourself in the best shape so they will want you when you do find each other. ------------------------------------------------------------ Previous LoveLetters can be read at http://eiw.com/loveletters/ Feel free to recommend LoveLetters to those of your friends to whom it may be helpful or entertaining... http://eiw.com/loveletters/ If you no longer wish to receive LoveLetters, send an email to me with "No More LoveLetters" as the subject. ----------------------------------------------------------- end of issue. |