MARK'S...
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Volume 2 ~ Issue 5 ~ 15 January 2000 (C)2000 Mark Krell
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V2 I4 Response... I'VE BEEN TICKLED!
Her letter...
This was very interesting. You can remove me from your mailing list if you
want to...or you can leave me on. I have a feeling you have no place in
your life for an assertive woman with a mind of her own. I get the distinct
impression you have your mind and heart set on a certain female prototype.
I've found that I no longer put much stock in appearances. The men I have
dated since divorce have not been the "ideal" male prototype, i.e. handsome,
muscular. I have been attracted to their minds and desire to treat me as an
equal. It was the result of baggage from past relationships..theirs and
mine...that led to the demise of what I had with each of them. Food for
thought for you Mark. If nothing else, I enjoy analyzing. Psych is my
"thing." See ya...
Dear Nice Lady...
It's nice to know I can still get SOME kind of attention from a
nice lady! I'm leaving you on the LoveLetter list... You've told me
nothing terrible, and if you want off the list you're gonna have to
tell me.
You've advanced a couple of suppositions about me that I will respond
to below, and you've been kind enough to strengthen the argument I have
offered that a genuine success in a love relationship does indeed require
the parties in the relationship to set aside their past (unload baggage).
While I am glad that you enjoy analyzing (I like people who think),
and that Psych is your "thing", I neither hold myself out to you as a
Psychological authority nor is the intent of my writings to give you
material for analysis... I'd like to think that I state things clearly
attended by a reasonably decent use of the language, and if I have to
state a purpose... How about food to grow on?
My intention here is to use factual events and observations of people
coupled with some common sense to impart an understanding of many common
impediments to the development of new relationships by contemporary adults.
The explanation of the existence of LoveLetters is in the first issue,
but if I'm going to write them there might as well be a worthwhile purpose.
This thinking comes from a junior high school teacher.
I'm getting ready to answer your suppositions, but I want to make a
brief comment... If just one of the ladies who have sparred with me had
used as much energy to love me, we might both be happier persons today.
Thank you very much for your response... Next time you write, please
share more about yourself. Now, to chew on the food for thought you've
given me.
Mark
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ASSERTIVE WOMEN.
I like assertive women and I don't like assertive women, it depends
on which kind...
If she's a feminist militant with whom everything has to be a battle,
I don't like her.
If she uses assertive behavior to accomplish doing destructive things
and get herself into trouble, I don't like her.
If she is assertive as a means of selfishly having things her way, I
don't like her.
These assertive may have their own minds, they just don't use their
minds well.
If she is assertive as a means to avoid the vulnerability of being
truly close and trustful with another, I like her and feel sadness for
her.
If she brings assertion to the cause of bettering a condition of
humankind or animals, I like her, admire her, and respect her.
If she brings her assertion to being a good advocate for one she
loves, I like her, admire her, respect her, and I wish I had a lady
like her!
Here's a couple of true stories "assertiveness" makes me remember...
I took a lady to dinner for a first meeting in 1972... She responded
argumentatively to everything I said, taking everything the wrong way.
If I hadn't known what a nice guy I was, I might have been convinced
that there was something wrong with me.
She was witty, articulate, and had intelligence... I sparred with her
until I became weary...
So, I told her this... "You're smart and I'm smart... And, this witty
reparte is interesting... But is distancing ourselves from each other what
you really want?... Y'know, if we relaxed we might really enjoy each other."
Two things you need to know to understand this... First, she was an
opera singer and her voice had great range... Second, I lived in a big
house with several other adults...
One o'clock in the morning found people knocking on the music room
door asking if everything was OK... She and I were inside on a rug in
front of the fireplace... Thing was that she poured out with high C and
high E at just the right moments (figure it out)... So loudly that she
scared some folks! :)
That's one story, here's another...
In 1987 my ex felt ill and went to her doctor... "You've got the flu
and here's your prescription"... We had the script filled on the way home
and she started taking the medicine... A week later she feels worse...
We call the doctor and tell him so... "My office is closed tomorrow for
the 4th of July Holiday, but I can meet you at the er at Northlake Hosp
at 11am"... I take her there and after examining her... "Lower left lobe
pneumonia, we got to admit you."... She collapses into a coma the next
morning... "Adult Respiratory Distress Syndrome"... In English, An adult
is having repeated trouble breathing... Six specialists are now on the
case... I drive the 90 miles every day to visit her because "they may be
able to hear you and get encouragement even though they're in a coma"...
Five weeks later... Thursday, 7:00am... I answer the telephone...
"Mr Krell, we think we're going to lose her this morning... you should
be here."... I go there QUICKLY...
I walk into ICU and even I can see she looks like she's at death's
door...
I leave ICU and walk in the hospital and I see a doctor, and I ask
him, "Pardon me Doctor, but where did you go to school?"... I say thank
you when he says Univ of VA, and I move on...
I asked this question of 24 doctors and politely moved on to the next...
When the 25th doctor said "Temple University", I asked his name...
Hot damn! Not only a doctor who went to a Phila school that I know
teaches good medicine... Not only a Philadelphia doctor, but a Philadelphia
Jewish doctor!... I found my man!
"Doctor, my wife is dying in ICU... I am asking you to look at her...
If you can do nothing, no hard feelings... If you think there's a chance,
you'll have full control... Will you?"
He goes to ICU with me, looks at her... looks at her charts... comes to
me and says there's a chance... Two of the six specialists were there...
I pointed my finger at their noses and said, "You're fired! He has complete
control of her case from this moment on! Now, you be sure to tell the other
four doctors what I've told you!"
Whaddaya think happens three days later?... She opens her eyes!...
Another two days and I'm carrying her to the car and taking her home.
I fed her two square meals a day, helped her to exercize and she was up
to her normal 105 and on her feet within three weeks!
Whatever anybody says about me, they'll never be able to say that I
don't know what positive assertive behavior is.
If I get real lucky, I'll find a strong and assertive lady who uses
her mind well and who will lovingly be my advocate in the same way I am
committed to be her advocate should she ever need my advocacy!
Unfortunately, most ladies I have ever known would have been too
concerned about "appearances" to do what needed to be done in the situation
above. So I know that if I ever get in that situation, I will most
probably die for wanting a lady who loves me enough to do whatever is
needed to be a good advocate for me. And, everyone will feel sympathy for
her.
I have stated before that it takes real strength to love another well.
I have no wish to find a weak lady. I only get accused of that by ladies
who would feel more comfortable if they could disprove some of my reason.
No room in my life for a lady who knows her own mind???... Depends on
what mind she knows... If she's assertive to compensate for past hurts
and adopts an emotional posture that makes a true intimacy and sharing
impossible, it doesn't matter if I have room in my life for her or not...
She's already decided!
If the lady understands that she's every bit as good as I am and she
can get along without me very well thank you very much, ***** BUT *****
she also knows that life is better when shared with a loving man and
loving and being loved is high on her list of priorities AND SHE'S STRONG
ENOUGH TO TAKE THE RISKS attendant with getting close to a man... I've
got LOT'S of room in my life for her!
Lots of "assertive ladies who know their own minds" are just quitters...
The game didn't go their way so they've picked up their marbles and gone
home... No risking trying again for success for them.
Admittedly, there are lots of lousy men out there... So what!!!... If
you're that smart, learn how to tell the good ones from the bad ones, and
stop giving me the "escape" line about not being interested any more...
If you weren't interested any more, you wouldn't be reading this! And, if
you are successful at living that position, look forward to the lonliness
that you're asking for.
I go to bed lonely... This is a matter of choice... I can find cheap
ladies just as well as any man... I can find loose ladies too... But
finding a lady with her head screwed on straight enough to think that a
good healthy love relationship with a good man is the greatest beauty to
which we can aspire, that's not so easy...
No room in my life for a strong lady? Hogwash! I'm looking for a lady
who is strong enough to let go of "poor me, I've been hurt" and let herself
love again...
I'm looking for a lady who understands that being argumenitive and
defensive is not strength but avoidance... A lady strong enough to be
gentle.
During the course of my search for a new lady, I have resisted getting
closer with five ladies who seemed to want me... The common reason was
that they were not keeping themselves in good condition either emotionally
or physically... It takes STRENGTH to deal positively wih one's problems.
And you tell me that I don't want a strong lady???
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FEMALE PROTOTYPES.
I have been accused of looking only for a certain "type" of lady... :)
I've already advanced enough explanation about the height/weight thing,
and besides, this accusation usually refers to my wanting a "yes" lady or
a submissive lady... This I'll talk about...
It's not a "yes" lady that I'm looking for... Just a lady smart enough
to have loving me higher on her list of priorities than fighting with me.
In earlier issues, I've spoken about power between healthy lovers...
The idea that power exchanges back and forth in a good relationship with
both benefiting from each other's strengths...
Mutual surrender requires mutual trust... A lot of trust... So, when
I encounter a lady who thinks that being untrusting and suspicious or
being so afraid of being hurt again is more important than taking the risks
attendant to building trust with me, she usually doesn't like my reaction
to her...
It doesn't matter... I figure it's gonna take a lady to whom being
loved is so important that she'll risk knowing me, coupled with her being
sharp enough to recognize when she's finally met a good one.
Any lady who decides to keep me out has every right to make that
decision, and for my purposes she's the wrong type...
The lady who does not allow herself to be ruled by fear... the lady
who uses her head and allows me the chance to help her to trust me and
is willing to help me to trust her... the lady who allows herself to see
me as a part of herself... the lady who likes me, respects me, wants me...
SHE'S MY TYPE!!!
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BAGGAGE.
This in the next issue.
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Previous LoveLetters can be read at http://eiw.com/loveletters/
Feel free to recommend LoveLetters to those of your friends to whom
it may be helpful or entertaining... http://eiw.com/loveletters/
If you no longer wish to receive LoveLetters, send an email to me
with "No More LoveLetters" as the subject.
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end of issue.
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