MARK'S...
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***** *** * ***** ***** ***** * * ***** * *
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Volume 3 ~ Issue 1 ~ 26 January 2000 (C)2000 Mark Krell
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UPDATES ON "THE SEARCH"...
All quiet on the home front... The lady who thought my page was
beautiful didn't respond further... I'm getting to be an expert at
recognizing indirect rejection... The lady who called me before
reading the together page hasn't called again, nor the beautiful
profile writer from Russia... No others...
The responses I don't want, I get... The drinker called me one too
many times after midnight last night... I now have her number entered
into the Call Block feature on my phone service... I did not want to
do this because I wanted to leave communication open in the miraculous
event that she would make a right decision... She has convinced me
that this will not happen and so I had to say to the drunken calls,
"Up with this B-S I will not put!"
Maybe you can help me... Here's what I need... I need a way to
communicate the following right-up-front-and-in-a-hurry to a lady I've
just met without her thinking I'm egotistical or calling the police...
"Be careful before you reject this one... he's a good one... he's not
going to lie to or hurt you... and getting close to him has strong
personal rewards and fulfillments!" Any ideas???
I made a desk nameplate type sign... Blue paper (laminated in a nice
holder) with a rainbow on it and calligraphic type text,
"Life Partner Wanted... (big text)
Don't let the wheelchair fool you, I am no sad case,
and I'm one of the nicest guys you will ever meet...
If you are a nice loving sane H/W proportional lady
who believes in living a reasonably healthy life-style
saying hi to me might wonderfully change our lives!
On my table while I'm eating at the local mall food court?
Some years ago, there was a guy in the Atlanta area that put a
real estate type sign in his front yard, "Wife Wanted"... it was in
the papers and he succeeded... I haven't done this because I don't
want to be fodder for the media grist mill...
I dunno... What I DO know is that I'm not gonna sit in the corner
and eat worms... Those who try at least have a chance for success,
those who don't try guarantee their failure.
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ANXIETY.
She's a truly lovable lady who wants so much to be loved that she
invests too much feeling too quickly... Wouldn't be so bad if she
hadn't encountered so many losers in the past year...
Rejection is no fun even if you are being rejected by an obvious
loser... I have this theory that people who are fearful of being
honest tend to reject those who they percieve to be truthful and
straight forward because they can't see themselves returning the
same kind of behavior...
The following letter written to her after one such rejection
is included here (with her permission) in hopes that it may help
someone to develop "perspective"...
Dear *******,
I've given considerable thought to recent events in your life
and how you have viewed them...
"Now there, there, everything is going to be all right!", isn't
going to do it for you... And, the funny thing is that it is true, and you
have the ability to make everything all right!... Let's see if I can help
you to see the mechanism by which you CAN make everything all right...
I remind you before proceeding that at this time I have not yet
found a compatable lady and that I have no prospects... You know that I
share your belief that days that go by without love are wasted... I have
also admitted to you that I feel lonliness and sadness... Even so, the
truth is the truth, and I still maintain that settling for less is a sure
path to an unhappy future...
Part of what keeps me generally cheerful is that I understand
that seeking a new partner is a numbers game be it in the real world or
through the internet... The selection process requires exposure to a
lot of people to find a "good one"... One difficulty we face is that at
middle ages there is a reason why the partnership prospects we meet are
single... It takes time to discover enough about a new beau to evaluate
whether they were the nice one who was wronged, or if they were at fault
in their broken past relationships...
There are two stories which evoke sympathy when told... Women
talk about "how much he hurt me" by being disloyal or unfaithful... Men
talk about "she took me to the cleaners" when they divorced...
Consider that he may have hurt her because she would not allow
herself to see him "as a part of her" meaning that she was self-concerned
and not very loving through the years... Consider also that if he failed
to see her "as a part of him" and he was disloyal thereby rejecting her
true love that she may have had strong motivation to retaliate in the
only way she knew how when they divorced...
I advance these considerations as a foundation for later comments,
and remind you that I know something about this because of the way I have
lived my own life... I've divorced three times and the ladies and I remain
friends... Even the one who was ragefull because of mental problems calmed
down when she got proper medication and returned to a rational reality...
Now she says that I may be the only true friend she's ever had...
Here's my point... If people are sharing themselves with others
with truth and a reasonable amount of loyal behavior, there doesn't have
to be so much anger between them...
Try to remember that when most people form relationships there is
generally a warm feeling between them... Something has to happen to anger
one or both of them... When I hear "she really shafted me", I wonder if
he did something to really piss her off... When I hear "he hurt me", I
have to wonder if she created enough resentment in him to motivate such
behavior... But I never discount the possibility that the teller may be
perfectly innocent, and I know that time will reveal much...
Can we allow personal anxiety and the fear of being alone and
unloved to hurry the selection process by settling for less?... No.
Allowing our reason to rule is an imperative!
You may be a minority of one who believes that I am sincere in
my writing the letter to my future sweetheart at http://eiw.com/together/
but because of how long you've known me I am asking you to consider the
behaviors and attitudes in the letter as a reasonably good guide for
evaluating the behaviors of new prospects...
If you had used this yardstick to measure past prospects, would
you have invested so much hope in them?
I remind you that I have told you that I truly believe you are
both a good and lovable lady!... I really mean this!... While I may
regret that we have areas of non-compatability and that we are both of
us pretty non-relocatable, this doesn't mean that I don't know the good
stuff when I see it!
My biggest worry is that you will allow anxiety to rule and
motivate you to settle for less than you deserve from a sane loving man
who shares more common interests and tastes with you.
At the risk of sounding pompous, I remind you of my writing in
support of not getting excited until you see them taking real towards
getting together with you in a recent LoveLetter...
I also remind you of your daughter's good advice, "Happiness
comes from within."... And my own personal belief that, "Things really do
have a way of working out for the best."
Now... What's it gonna be?...
Rationally based patience to allow for the time to find a
good one, or, settling for less?
As women go, I have much respect for the person you are and your
attitudes about loving... I'd really like to see you wind up with a good
one!
Mark
Following are excerpts from a letter she received from someone who
cares very much about her (used with permission)... I can feel this
lady's feeling that she wished she could be even more supportive,
consoling, and encouraging and her feeling limited by "words"...
Personally, I think she did a pretty good job of it!...
I so wish that I knew what to say to you to keep you from losing faith in
dreams coming true. It breaks my heart to see life wearing you down and
making you give up on happiness. I KNOW that dreams really can come
true, that life CAN surprise you with wonderful things you never would have
believed could happen. But I can certainly understand that, after going
through this with *****, and with others before him, that it would be easy
to lose faith in dreams. I can remember feeling that same overwhelming
hopelessness and resignation back in the years with *****. It just seemed
that nothing ever worked out the way I hoped and that I was in a rut I
would never get out of. I remember losing all hope that things would ever
change.
It was an AWFUL depressing feeling, and I hate to think of you being
there. But things DID change......
I could spout all sorts of motivational platitudes (It's always darkest
just before the dawn, etc.) I saw one just recently...can't remember
where....that used a high-jumping metaphor and talked about how you have
to crouch down really low to get to force and energy to jump really high.
But any of that is just going to sound like meaningless fluff to you right
now.
You TRIED to think positive and visualize and believe and follow the
dream, and all of that, and it didn't work. The only thing that has always
helped me in these situations is a deep down belief that there really is a
plan, a reason for everything, and as Desiderata says "whether or not it
is clear to you, the Universe is unfolding as it should." If I were in
your shoes, I would (after lots of tears, of course) just tell myself that
my being with ***** was simply not part of my life plan and that I would not
have been as happy with him as I thought I would be. It just wasn't meant
to be. Then the question would come up, "OK, but WHY did he come into my
life at all? WHY did I have to go through this whole heartbreaking
experience?" I truly believe we're supposed to learn something or grow in
some way from everything that happens, so I always get hung up on the WHY.
Some would say that it's merely a rationalization....maybe so. But it has
always kept me sane, so it serves its purpose.....
*****
I would like to make one comment about "following the dream"... I have
learned the hard way that loving someone does not guarantee that they will
love me back... It's important to find someone who gets pleasure from their
being loving to you.
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INDEPENDENT LADIES...
I aqree that it's a logical thing for any lady to be self-sufficient
enough to weather the slings and arrows of outrageous lovers, and to live
successfully and well in spite of them...
What I have trouble accepting is the idea that ladies who describe
themselves in profiles and personal ads as being "Very" or "Quite"
independent are truly willing to function cooperatively in a love
relationship with another...
Independence implies that they don't need anyone else for anything...
Me, I want a lady who admits that being loved is as important to her as
it is to me.
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CRAZY LADIES...
I was walking along Locust Street towards Rittenhouse Square in Philly...
She was walking towards me... I said, "Darlin' you look so good to me that
if I had my way you'd be going home with me!"... SHE DID!!!
She was nice... Even nicer than that!... I said, "Y'know I wouldn't
mind it if you moved in with me!"... SHE DID!!!
But... Before she moved in, she told me that the day would come when
she'd have to fly away like a bird...
She was an artist... very gentle and sensitive person... we spent two
years with never an unkind word... never an unloving gesture... Believe
that I loved her!...
Then came the day when true to her word she told me she had to fly...
I helped her move her things to the next guy's third floor loft apartment...
And, as I helped her carry her things upstairs all the guy could do was
watch and say "Wow!" to express his surprise at my helping her...
He asked me why I was helping her... I'm not sure he understood me when
I told him that if you really love someone you want them to be happy.
Why do I tell you about her under the Crazy Ladies heading?... Because
I believe that any lady who leaves a guy who loves her like I did is crazy.
I know that being the person she was, that she would most probably
inspire the best in any man; but I also know that there's no guarantee...
I never heard from her again, but I sincerely hope the following years
treated her well.
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Previous LoveLetters can be read at http://eiw.com/loveletters/
Feel free to recommend LoveLetters to those of your friends to whom
it may be helpful or entertaining... http://eiw.com/loveletters/
If you no longer wish to receive LoveLetters, send an email to me
with "No More LoveLetters" as the subject.
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end of issue.
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