MARK'S... ------------------------------------------------------------ * * * *** * * ***** * ***** ***** ***** ***** *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *** * *** * * *** *** * * * * * * * * * * * * * ***** *** * ***** ***** ***** * * ***** * * ------------------------------------------------------------ Volume 3 ~ Issue 8 ~ 16 February 2000 (C)2000 Mark Krell ------------------------------------------------------------ ROMANCE AND REAL LOVE... Some people feel that being romantic means focusing on things that are not necessarily parts of a genuine love between the parties in a REAL love relationship... These people will point out differences they see between romance and "real" love by claiming things like... Romance is looking for somebody who perfectly meets one's expectations while real love means forgiving imperfections... or... Romance has your head in the clouds while "real" love has the safety of having your feet on the ground... or... Romance is the torture of waiting for the phone to ring to bring you a voice that will say loving things while love is the torture of waiting for a call that will assure you someone else is well and safe... or... Romance is enthusiastic, striving always to appear attractive for the other while "real" love is two people who find beauty in each other no matter how they look... or... Real love expresses itself in many ways -- the love of spouses; the love of friends; the love of families. Real love doesn't require one to be "in love," and will likely grow over the years... I'm willing to bet that some readers will think these claims are reasonable... I know that some of you think that my expectations are not reasonable and perhaps those of you who feel that way may also think that I'm making it harder to find a good lady than it has to be... Boy! Are you guys easily had by the poor thinkers who write claims like those above!... Let's take a look at them shall we?... The only true claim is that you do not have to be romantically in love with people to love them, like family, friends, etc. The only way the claim that you do not have to be in love with your spouse (or your significant other) can be true is if you've decided to settle for less than a genuine committed love relationship should have as an alive and vital part of it... The biggest deception in the above claims is that Romance opposes real love... That if you are romantic, you don't have your feet on the ground and you are not really loving... Hogwash! I maintain that real intimate healthy love between man and woman needs romance kept alive in the relationship!... Having settled for less a few times in past, and, reaping the punishments thereof... I feel qualified as an expert on this subject!... I have learned this well... I recognize that I will never find a "perfect" woman... That's not my objective, nor do I think I am perfect... I do expect to find a lady who, while she will have her weaknesses, hopefully they will be in areas that will not threaten or guarantee failure of both of us being happy and healthy with each other... This in my mind is reasonable... I have made it clear in past issues that I don't need hollywood beauty to respond to a lady... I have said that I want a partner who looks feminine and reasonably shaped... How else am I going to be able to tell her she's beautiful to me... How else am I going to be motivated to be romantic over a lifetime? Many ladies have told me of men who only made romantic gestures towards them when they felt they had to, and then often grudgingly... I was married for too many years to a lady who looked great at 105 pounds for a couple of years, and then ballooned to 165... As her weight increased, I loved her, but felt progressively less romantic about her... Every gentle approach I tried towards addressing this issue was met with such immediate disapproval from her that I had to give up... Do I want this again?... Certainly I recognize areas in which I am not perfect... But I also recognize some very good things about myself... I have always made a good effort to be responsive to the needs and wants of the partners I've had... I have never had a fight with a lady that included violence like screaming, yelling or physical injury... I have never had to face a lady's anger because I've lied to her... My relationships with past partners have all ended on a friendly basis... No woman has been angry with me and wanting to "take me for all I've got" or otherwise hurt me... No woman has ever had me expecting her to do all the cooking, laundry, or household chores... No woman who ever wanted to cuddle ever had me avoid her except a lady in whom all libido seemed to die when she got fat... I got frustrated after a few years of nothing ever happening when we were close... Based on most of the stories ladies have told me about how they were treated by men in their past, I don't think I'm so bad... I deserve to have the love of a good lady who loves me enough to want to give her best possible self to me. I also know that I get a great deal of pleasure when I'm treating a lady well and giving her regular assurance of my love for her and her attractiveness to me... A good lady has the right to expect this from me, but how can this be real if she's not helping me to feel this way about her? The ladies side of it?... Same thing but worded differently... Don't join with a man you don't value, trust and respect and are not sufficiently attracted to that your expectation of that attraction enduring over time is not very strong. Most of the "requirements" on my together page (you could be that lady if) are not looking for perfection... They ARE an attempt to avoid having my life filled with grief again... No romantic ideals are needed when choosing a partner... Just someone with whom there is enough going for you to have the prediction of your love relationship being healthy in every room of the house... And, if they have the wisdom to keep themselves attractive to you and treat you with love and kindness, and they think of you as part of them and not as an adversary... WHAT'S SO HARD ABOUT FEELING ROMANTIC TOWARDS THEM? Romance can and should live in a healthy love... If you cannot expect this when choosing a new partner, you lose. ----------------------------------------------------------------- MARK TALKS MEAN TO A VERY STUBBORN LADY... Remember the lady who didn't want to hear anything she didn't want to hear in two issues back?... Would you believe she didn't give up?... Her thinking what she wants is more important than hearing what another person is telling her pushed me past my limit yesterday... After reading the following, you might wonder how Mark can write such nice stuff like the above article and be so mean to this nice church going lady... Ask any Christian and they'll tell you there are a lot of demons in the Church... Remembering that I was a nice guy before I ever met her, I realized that I had to deal with this demon or this nonsense would go on forever... I really do care about what you think, and I hope that you still like me after this, but I refuse to lie by omission only presenting the cutsy flowery things to you... In this case... She richly deserved it... She repeatedly asked for it... So, she got it!... I could have shown less love to her and given her a "nice" response depriving her of possibly growth producing information... But, hey!... I'm a pretty loving guy! :) Feb15,0:58, She said: I think its silly to get into these discussions, because I have my thoughts and you have yours. If you want to be friends and talk, fine, if not, thats your choice. There is nothing wrong with being friends. Feb15,1:48, I said: You certainly have the right to your thoughts. You even have the right to ignore my thoughts as evidenced by what you wrote which appears above. If you were paying attention to what was really happening yesterday instead of only focusing on what you want, you would never have written to me today. I clearly told you that you were not treating me fairly and that I am convinced that you see only what you want to see. I also made it abundantly clear that you and I are looking for different things. Weren't you paying attention? Was attention charging too much? If you had an ounce of goodwill instead of being so concerned with what you want, you'd be asking yourself why any man would want to cultivate a friendship with a lady who can't hear him and refuses to acknowlege his right to his feelings. Friends hear each other. Attempting friendship with you is like trying to teach a pig to sing... it wastes time, and it annoys the pig. Wherever did you get the absurd idea that I must be wrong if I don't want to behave the way you want me to behave? I have a mental picture of you getting to heaven and telling God what He's doing wrong and God pushing the down button for you. As educated as you say you are, your education has not served you well. Nobody ever succeeded in teaching you how to listen... Don't worry... You're not alone. I've run into "you" before. And, until you lose that haughty attitude that you are educated and you have morals, you'll never connect with what Jesus meant when he said, "That which ye do to the least of them, ye do unto me." Loving other people includes being able to accept them, and sometimes to help them; but to genuinely help them, first you have to accept them. I'm pretty sure you are often in church, but I am convinced that you have some more to learn about being a Christian. I also entertain a guess that if you had put loving your ex ahead of your education and your morals, maybe both of your lives might be very different today. This is only a guess because I know what stinkers some men can be. I also suspect that you not caring whether another love comes into your life has much to do with previous failures at love due to your attitudes. "I'm rightous and you're a sinner" isn't going to cut it with Jesus who was trying to teach us to genuinely love and accept each other. You have exceeded my limit of acceptance with your assumptions and quick judgements. So, why am I writing this?... Because with your attitudes there's no hope of me ever getting close to you... The only thing remaining that I CAN do is give you some information which if you could hear might be helpful. Don't like what I'm saying... Think I'm wrong... That's OK... Two people are allowed to disagree... Now, go punish somebody else. Mark -------------------------------------------------------------- THE PERFUME COUNTER... I noticed she was getting low on her favorite perfume... I went to the department store's perfume counter and asked the lady for a bottle... She asked, "Is it her birthday?"... "No."... She asked, "Your anniversary?"... "No."... "Well, Christmas is too far away, what's the occasion?", she asked... I said, "No occasion... she doesn't ask for a lot and I saw she was running out of it."... She said, "With a husband like you she doesn't have to!" Her reaction is a sad comment about many men. Don't you feel sorry for the men who deprive themselves of the joy they could feel by actively loving their women? --------------------------------------------------------------- Previous LoveLetters can be read at http://eiw.com/loveletters/ Feel free to recommend LoveLetters to those of your friends to whom it may be helpful or entertaining... http://eiw.com/loveletters/ If you no longer wish to receive LoveLetters, send an email to me with "No More LoveLetters" as the subject. ----------------------------------------------------------- end of issue. |